Honoring the Matriarch: What It Means to Lead, to Lose, and to Carry Forward
Matriarch.
It’s a word that holds weight. It carries history, power, and, at its core, a quiet truth we don’t always acknowledge: inherent within the word matriarch itself is a recognition of immense loss.
This Women’s History Month, when we celebrate the strength, wisdom, and resilience of women throughout history, I want to start a conversation about the women who have held everything together—our matriarchs.
And I want to ask: How do we continue to honor the legacy of those who came before us? Our mothers, grandmothers, aunts… the legacy of the women in our culture and our families?
What happens when they are no longer here?
First of all… What Is a Matriarch?
By definition, a matriarch is "a woman who is the head of a family." But if you’ve ever been lucky enough to witness a matriarch action, you know this is too clinical – because she is so much more than that.
She is the glue. The foundation. The steady hands and the open arms. The great-aunt who asks about the kids, the grandma who keeps traditions alive, the mom who carries the unspoken weight of making sure everyone stays connected—even when it feels like no one else is trying.
Some women step into this role naturally, woven into their family’s history like thread in an heirloom quilt.
Or, if you’re like me – you find yourselves thrown into it, often too soon, often without preparation, after the death of a parent or grandparent.
That’s the part we don’t always talk about.
More often than not, we as women find ourselves left with the gargantuan task of “carrying on” – carrying forward the life, the legacy, building a sense of home.
How do we, as mothers and wives and daughters and sisters, best carry on?
What should we even be carrying on – when sometimes that legacy that came before us feels so complicated, so tender… even sometimes, toxic or volatile?
Do You Really See Her?
Something important to name before discussing how to honor a matriarch and her legacy is that inherent within the word matriarch itself, is a recognition of immense loss. Becoming a matriarch implies that all the women leaders of the family before her have died or are no longer able to be the heads of their families. It means that these women are initiated into a role and have lost the physical guidance, mentorship, and presence of the women before her.
Which leads to the question: How to honor the legacy of a matriarch?
To that I would say first, it involves just SEEING her.
Seeing the many women who came before. Were they role models? How much unlearning does she have to do now as a result? And now, witnessing how guided or unguided she has been and continues to be, in her role.
Acknowledging all that was required of her. Acknowledging her history- her story of coming to be.
It may seem simple, but truly just reflecting on how much she did and likely sacrificed and lost is something that we don’t often do during someone’s lifetime. Bearing witness to another’s reality and to their effort is quite an underrated way to honor someone’s legacy.
And what comes next?
Look Within Yourself
Once we see her fully, we can turn the reflection inward and look within ourselves for ways (both positive and negative) that this person influenced us. The gifts they gave to us, to others, and to the world around them.
Questions I like to ask:
What even is the legacy she left behind? What did she stand for? What did she want to create in the world? What did she value? Was there anything she wanted to but wasn’t able to accomplish?
Seeing these things, asking these questions – I personally feel I can better appreciate and understand how I’ve been impacted by the women who came before me. I can identify which parts of her are now within me, gifted or inherited somehow.
From there, it becomes a simpler task to identify how to continue that person’s legacy.
Can we make art in their honor? Can we donate to a cause they believed in? Can we add more goodness and healing to the world in a way they would have desired or appreciated?
Can we, even in ourselves carry their wisdom and their lessons forward? Can we share their stories? And write books about them? Can we help their impact continue beyond their physical life?
Pass it on…
For those of us who are moms, I also invite this reflection:
Can we teach our children their values? Can we share the parts of her legacy that we align with with the next generation for them to carry her and her impact forward into the future?
Her legacy can sit not just on our own shoulders and the shoulders of the world we presently exist in, but her legacy can also sit on the shoulders of the descendants – known and unknown — here now and not even yet born – to be carried forward into future generations.
Think about physical ways you can carry forward. Maybe it’s starting a foundation in someone’s honor, or planting future flowers or trees or vegetables. Maybe it’s as simple as teaching children to love stained glass like she did, so that her art lives on through them even though they never knew her.
How can the children of the future remain connected with her, through the physical and metaphorical seeds she planted during her lifetime?
Who Is the Matriarch in Your Life?
This is just the beginning of a conversation. Over the next few months, I’ll be writing more about what it means to be a matriarch, what it means to lose one, and how we carry their wisdom forward.
But for now, I want to hear from you.
Who is (or was) the matriarch in your family?
What did she teach you?
How have you seen the role of matriarch go unnoticed or unappreciated?
Drop a comment, share your story, or submit your thoughts here. I’ll be weaving these reflections into future blogs and even discussing them on an upcoming podcast episode.
Because this is not just my story—it’s ours, and it deserves a chance to live on.