What to Say (and Not Say) in a Condolence Message After Someone Dies
Losing a mother is one of the most profound losses a person can experience. If you’re looking for the right death condolence message, you probably want to offer support in a way that truly helps.
But let’s be honest—grief is messy, and there’s no perfect script.
A condolence message isn’t about fixing their pain; it’s about letting them know they’re not alone.
As a grief counselor and therapist, I’ve worked with many clients who have had to field condolence messages from well-intentioned friends or family. Plus, I’ve personally gone through it – my parents died when I was really young, and I’ve had my share of responding to people’s condolence messages.
So… what are the condolence messages that actually make things feel WORSE? What are the things that people don’t think to say that would actually feel GOOD to hear?
Below, we’ll cover what to say, what NOT to say, and a few heartfelt messages you can use when reaching out.
Things NOT to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving
Even the best-intended words can sometimes miss the mark. Here are a few things to avoid:
🚫 Don’t label their feelings. Saying, “You must be so sad” assumes how they feel. Grief isn’t one-size-fits-all.
🚫 Avoid saying, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” It puts the burden on them to ask for help, and grief makes even small decisions overwhelming.
🚫 Don’t try to fix, problem-solve, or give advice. Their mom just died—this isn’t something to "fix."
🚫 Be mindful with “I’m sorry.” While it’s a natural response, sometimes “I’m sorry” can feel empty without follow-up. Instead, try adding, “I see how much she meant to you,” or “I’m here with you.”
What to Say in a Death Condolence Message
Grief needs presence and witness. Your words should let them know you see them, you care, and you’re here for them. Here are a few ways to do that:
💬 "I see you. It’s okay to be exactly where you are right now. I’m here for you."
Why it works: It acknowledges their emotions without trying to change them.
💬 "I can’t imagine how hard this must be, but I want you to know I’m here."
Why it works: It avoids assumptions while offering support.
💬 "Would you be open to sharing one of your favorite memories of this person with me?”
Why it works: Sharing a memory makes your message personal and keeps her presence alive.
💬 "I know there’s nothing I can say to take away the pain, but I love you and I’m here."
Why it works: It acknowledges their loss without trying to fix it.
How to Offer Support (Without Making It Awkward)
If you want to go beyond words, offer specific, tangible support instead of vague offers.
✅ Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try:
➡️ “I’m going to the store this afternoon—what can I pick up for you?”
➡️ “Can I walk your dog this week? I can come by at 7 PM.”
➡️ “I’d love to drop off dinner for you. Would Tuesday or Thursday work better?”
Small, actionable gestures show your care in a way that doesn’t put pressure on them.
Final Thought: Just Be Real
When in doubt, ask yourself: What would I want to hear?
There’s no perfect message, only the intention behind it. Stay curious about their experience, relational in your approach, and real in your words. Whether your message is deeply heartfelt, a little blunt, or even sprinkled with humor (if that’s your vibe), what matters most is showing up.
Because in grief, presence means more than perfection.
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Remember — whatever you’re carrying, you don’t have to carry it alone.
With love,
— Randi
Certified Grief Counselor & Founder of Realness Rising